Feeling my way through grief

Grief is a funny thing. It can consume. It can tickle. It can stain. It can sneak up and knock a girl flat before she even feels it coming.

My mother died on April 5th. Tomorrow is May 5th. Because of her disease, my mother had been leaving me in bits and pieces for years. I think that I expected to be completely relieved when she was finally gone, when she was at peace and in heaven. Instead of being completely relieved, I've been shocked by the pain of grief. Why is it that I'm grieving for a woman for whom I spent the past two years praying desperately that God would bring home? I wanted her to pass on, so why do I miss her so much now?

I've come to the realization that while I was praying for God to bring Mom home, what I desperately wanted was for God to heal her. I wanted to go home and find her gardening in the flower beds instead of vegetating in her hospital bed in the piano room. I wanted to hear her sing Elvis songs (badly) instead of hearing myself sing hymns to her. I wanted her to just get up and walk and talk. I wanted her back. I didn't want her gone. I wanted HER.

And so I grieve. Some days are easy. A few days in the past week have been hard because I'll be blindsided by a Mother's Day commercial on the radio. I discovered quite by accident that I had no business being in a Hallmark store, a Family Christian bookstore, or anywhere near the card aisle at Target. Not even Walgreens is safe. Mother's Day stuff is killing my heart right now.

I've suddenly found myself in tears while driving, while shopping, while watching television, while talking to friends, while reading a book. I've never been an overly emotional woman, so the overabundance of tears has been a bit disheartening for me. I don't really like to cry. I don't really feel better after a long, hard cry. I just feel headachy and sad.

Grief. Honestly? It sucks.