Piano Forte

Zachary performed in his spring piano recital this afternoon. He is such a performer, and it never fails to amaze me how well he does when on stage. He's never nervous...never. He seems to just enjoy the moment, and he truly rises to the occasion. I love it! I'm a proud, proud mama.

This is his performance:

He played "Hedwig's Theme" from Harry Potter. His piano teacher, Mr. Anthony, was very pleased with Zach's performance. Zach and Anthony do a lot of talking during their lessons. They both love Harry Potter, and they both love dogs. Anthony said that the owner of Bartlett Music Academy was very complimentary of Zach, saying that Z "had an amazing musical instinct." I agree wholeheartedly! This is Zach with Anthony.

I love my sweet, wonderful, musical Zachary Thomas Bishop!

Fantasy Cheerios

Tonight I dreamed of Mom.

She was sitting in her spot on the love seat, flipping through a Redbook magazine and asking me about college, about my roommates, if I was dating anyone interesting. Her hair was perfectly primped and she was wearing her signature raisinberry lipstick. She told me I needed to be eating more fruits and veggies and taking longer walks. She said my hair needed some highlights. I was so happy to hear these sage bits of advice that I burst out laughing.

I woke up laughing, but now here I am on the living room couch at 1:16 a.m. with a bowl of Cheerios, a heart of sadness, and my own form of therapy: writing. It seems almost cruel to have had her so real and so tangible in my dream when the fantasy can't come true. At 1:18 in the morning, such sadness warrants Cheerios. I mean, the very name of the cereal seems like a guarantee that it will help "cheer" me.

Zachary has a piano recital on Saturday, and Alec has a double-header worth of tball that day as well. She would have eaten the whole day up with a spoon and a smile.

This week, I need to work outside in my flower beds, and I just really want her here for advice on that. I did not inherit her abilities with pansies and hostas. I wish I had, but instead I inherited her need/love for chocolate. Unfortunately, I feel like chocolate at 1:20 a.m. would just be way too over-the-top even for me; fortunately, a bowl of Cheerios seems appropriate. Cheerios are supposed to be heart healthy, and my heart could use a little something good tonight.

The whole thing pretty much sucks. Grief, that is... not Cheerios. Cheerios and writing seemed to have done their collective job of helping me deal with that all-too-real fantasy.

And actually, I really do need some highlights.

Feline Fun

My posts of late have been on the morbid/sad/depressing side. Thought I'd lighten things up a bit. My boys LOVE Simon's Cat videos. If you have a feline in your family, you'll find this funny. You might see humor even if you aren't a cat person.






I'm not usually one for potty humor, but this IS a blog for "f" words...

This one just made me laugh.

Funerary: –adjective, of or pertaining to a funeral or burial:

I've been researching headstones because my dad has asked me to help him pick one out for my mother's grave. This is a daunting task. First of all, while I do enjoy a good shopping trip, I can't say that the idea of shopping for a suitable funerary monument is something I relish. I've been looking online trying to get ideas so that when I take my dad this weekend we won't be starting from scratch.

Dad said, "No vases or angels or crazy stuff attached. Needs to be simple." If you know my dad, such a statement would not be a surprise to you. What is surprising is how hard it is to actually find a tasteful, simple headstone without the crazy stuff attached. There are a LOT of really tacky monuments out there, and while my mom absolutely loved Elvis Presley, she did not love his tacky mansion when we visited Graceland years ago. She wouldn't want the crazy.

Like any new endeavor, picking out a headstone has a learning curve. For example, I've learned that styles include pillow top, flat, slant, and the standard upright. I've learned that nothing is even remotely inexpensive. I've learned that there are several color options such as grey, black, and mahogany --which are expected-- and others such as imperial red and exotic emerald pearl which are a bit unexpected. I've learned that you can actually put a bench instead of a headstone. It is truly overwhelming.

I don't look forward to this task, but I plan to be prepared. While looking at headstones is weird on so many levels, finding this online today gave me pause for another reason. Kind of hard to see, but the names of the Volkers are Michael and Andrea. I guess it's time to update my own will.

Feeling my way through grief

Grief is a funny thing. It can consume. It can tickle. It can stain. It can sneak up and knock a girl flat before she even feels it coming.

My mother died on April 5th. Tomorrow is May 5th. Because of her disease, my mother had been leaving me in bits and pieces for years. I think that I expected to be completely relieved when she was finally gone, when she was at peace and in heaven. Instead of being completely relieved, I've been shocked by the pain of grief. Why is it that I'm grieving for a woman for whom I spent the past two years praying desperately that God would bring home? I wanted her to pass on, so why do I miss her so much now?

I've come to the realization that while I was praying for God to bring Mom home, what I desperately wanted was for God to heal her. I wanted to go home and find her gardening in the flower beds instead of vegetating in her hospital bed in the piano room. I wanted to hear her sing Elvis songs (badly) instead of hearing myself sing hymns to her. I wanted her to just get up and walk and talk. I wanted her back. I didn't want her gone. I wanted HER.

And so I grieve. Some days are easy. A few days in the past week have been hard because I'll be blindsided by a Mother's Day commercial on the radio. I discovered quite by accident that I had no business being in a Hallmark store, a Family Christian bookstore, or anywhere near the card aisle at Target. Not even Walgreens is safe. Mother's Day stuff is killing my heart right now.

I've suddenly found myself in tears while driving, while shopping, while watching television, while talking to friends, while reading a book. I've never been an overly emotional woman, so the overabundance of tears has been a bit disheartening for me. I don't really like to cry. I don't really feel better after a long, hard cry. I just feel headachy and sad.

Grief. Honestly? It sucks.