My mom has always been kind of "ditzy." Even as a young girl I remember her telling the same story more than once in a fifteen minute conversation. Now, at the age of almost 61, she has an early onset form of dementia. Basically alzeimers.
She has moments of clear lucidity and in those moments I see my mom, the woman who I fought with non-stop as a teenager. The woman who plaited my hair into pretty blond braids when I was in elementary school. The woman who never failed to praise me for being so smart, so creative, such a great writer. She loved to read my short stories, my essays, my poems. Now she can no longer read. A second grade school teacher for close to 30 years can no longer read any of the children's books that completely overflow from my old girl-hood bedroom.
For the most part she walks around in a haze of confusion. She wants to be productive and so she spends literally hours each day on her hands and knees in the kitchen wiping up the smudges and miniscule bits of dirt on her pretty blue and white checkered tile. But a task such as doing laundry, which involves so many steps (sorting, washing, transferring to the dryer, drying, removing lint, folding and finally putting away clean clothes) is no longer one of the things she can accomplish. She tries. And so you find dirty towels, damp from the shower, in the dryer. Or you find dryer sheets and lint inside of the washing machine. Or you find a pile of damp clothes moldering on her bed. But she tries so hard.
It is heartbreaking, this evil disease. And I have to admit that I sometimes just get so angry. Angry at her, which makes no sense because it isn't her fault. But also I get paranoid. When I forget where I put my car keys, there is this niggling worm of doubt always there in the back of my mind. Will I be struck down with this unforgiving form of forgetfulness too? Will my brother?
She's a beautiful lady, my mom. And she loves her grandsons. And I know she loves the Lord. So I know the Lord is loving her, and somehow filling these holes of emptiness inside of her head. But still, I find this whole stinking thing, this forgetfullness, completely unforgivable.
Completely. Unforgivable.
7 comments:
Andrea,
I know this can be so so hard. It is hard to have to become the parent when you are supposed to be the daughter. What an amazing way to express it: unforgiveable. But I love that you nail the most important thing She loves the Lord and the Lord loves her. I tell my clients that God loves our pain maybe the most of any part of us but that is the part of us we have the hardest loving. So remember through this God is loving you too.
Andrea Levi!!!!!!!! It's Anna Levi!!!!!!
I found your blog through the "Harding connection," I guess!
I didn't even know what a blog was until recently... when a friend of mine here in Nashville told me that she posted some cute pics of my boys on her blog. Of course I wanted to see pics of my own children, so I checked it out. This friend went to HU (a couple of years younger than us)....once I got on her blog, it was like my whole Harding life flashed in front of me with all the links........the rest is history........I am officially a blog stalker!
Didn't mean for this to be the wordiest comment ever. Just wanted to tell you how saddened I was to read your post about your mom. I vividly remember spending the weekend with her and your grandparents in Poteau on a weekend trip with you. Is that the same grandmother you blogged about?
Your mom is sooooo young. (My parents are in their early 70s). I really have no other words except that hearing about her situation makes me sad.......sad for her and for you.
Your boys are adorable. So glad I can see pictures of them more often than just Christmas cards.....which I think is so cool that we still exchange them after all these years!
Anna
annafisherluther@yahoo.com
I'm sorry Sissy. This makes me sad as well. You are a good daughter to your momma.
Andrea - your post was really touching to me. You can express yourself so beautifully through your words. I'm sorry about your mom and what you are all going through. My grandfather has Alzheimer's too, and I agree that it just plain stinks. I will be thinking of your family.
Oh Andrea, thank you for sharing these feelings with us. I, too am so sorry this disease has come to your momma. She is a wonderful Christian woman and I know she loves you very much. She is now added to my prayer list.
We watched John's mom battle Alzheimer's for several years and now watch my grandfather fading away so slowly. I am sorry you've had to join this club. It's not one that any of us choose to be in. But know there are people who have been there, are there, and understand the gamut of emotions you are feeling. God is beside her and he's with you too. Blessings and peace.
Downtown is me, Lara Noah. I'm obviously not logged into my normal acct.
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